I haven’t forgotten about writing, no. I even missed it, but I just couldn’t put words on what was happening. Because way too much happened in only a few months so I guess I’ll have to unpack article by article.
If you feel like you are no longer a teacher, but some kind of robot, raise your hand. If you feel like you are a therapist to your students, you can also raise your hand. It works also if you feel like that you now work for a litigation and complaints department.
Because that’s basically how I have been feeling for the past four months. Sure, at first, I was happy to avoid walking in the cold, I was fine teaching wearing my fave Harry Potter sweatpants, but hey, reality kicked in. And I felt less and less human. I felt used, tired, irrelevant. I felt like I couldn’t teach efficiently anymore, that I couldn’t bring anything to anybody. I was in quite a dark place for a while.
My doctor forced me to take a break in December, where I pretty much reconsidered everything in my life: from where I was living to my job. I felt like I was wasting my time being an English teacher in a country which despised English anyway, that I could simply focus on my administrative tasks as Head of Department, that the exam my students were preparing was a big joke… My brain was working 24/7.
Oh, and I found out I was pregnant at that time.
I feel fortunate to work for a business school with a very comprehensive boss; and I crawled back to my normal life in January. I started slowly, by taking care of administrative tasks, then I started to teach a bit, then a bit more… I am working full time again for three weeks now (even though I am mostly correcting papers this week) and it feels good. Not great, but I am working on it.
Despite what happened, I feel quite lucky to be a tenured teacher, in a world where education is often seen as an option and where teachers are used like plastic bags. I may not be teaching English all the time (I teach also Communication and Project Management), but I earn enough to make a living. Where you’re about to be a parent (well, this summer), that’s what matters. Perspective, I guess that’s how it is called?