Dear 19 years old me,
Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. Don’t treat you so bad, you don’t deserve it. Being lost is not the end of the world, and you’re gonna do so much stuff after. It’s okay to feel bad, and lonely, but it gets better, I promise.
Don’t worry about your parents, they won’t divorce eventually. They’ll break up for a few months, they’ll come back and then, they forgave themselves, and life goes on. It wasn’t your fight, but you fought along your father, and nothing would break up both of you from now on. You two are now making an incredible team, and he never tried to slice his wrists again. That wasn’t your fault, by the way, what happened, not even for a second: he needed help, and you were here, and you gave him what he needed. You gave him the strength to continue, and even if you don’t know that yet, he will always remember it.
It’s not that bad that you left school. You didn’t want to study history, not that way, and it’s okay, that doesn’t mean you won’t do anything with your own life. You were right to decide to move, because that decision saved your life, even if it was to study something you didn’t care about. It doesn’t matter because you’ll find something, you’ll figure it out, and you’ll be amazing, even if right now, you think it’s nothing. Not everybody figures what one can do for the rest of its life at fifteen years old. You think that because the people around you are bragging about that, making you feel bad, because they have academic success for now, but you’ll learn quickly that didn’t mean anything after all. He was maybe successful at twenty, but in a few years, he would be still living with his mother, when you’ll be buying yourself a bright new car.
It’s okay that you can’t forget him. You won’t, in a long time, be able to forgive and to forget what happened. You will try, several times, you will pray for a second chance, even if you are not the one who needs it. He is the bad guy, you are not. You’ll need years to recover, literally, but once you will, your life will be change forever, and you are going to meet the most incredible, generous and kind man ever, and you will marry that guy, even he isn’t your type, because at some point, that doesn’t matter anymore.
And that girl you are always with, your confident, your sister, well, she’ll stab in the back at the minute you’ll be gone. Because after all, you are still kids even you are pretending to be adults, you are not. You will miss her, you will hate her, but at the end, it will be better for everybody. You may think right now that she will come back eventually, but you won’t let her. On the way, you will learn to fight back, to stand up for yourself and you won’t let her crush you the way she did.
It’s not going to be easy. You’ll hate yourself most of the time, you’ll regret mostly everything , you will do all over again in your head, each time different, until you’ll make peace with yourself. Because you are just a kid, with a very strange hair color, and you don’t deserve what happened to you, but it’s life, and you’ll get over it.
You will be a fucking kick ass, and people will find you hard to manage, and you will never let anybody tell you what to do, and you will find your dream. And more importantly, you will live it. That’s what life is all about.
From your twenty eight years old self,